Why I Lost Faith

I remember going to a friend’s house as a child, his mother was nice as was the rest of his family, but there was one time that stands out for me.

His mother asked if I was Mormon, I didn’t know what she meant. I was a kid and I didn’t understand the question. My friend said I was before I could say anything. I don't fault him or his mom, they're wonderful people and I still care about him even though I haven't seen him in person in twenty years.

It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized what happened in that moment. I had friends who did Scouts, who were into those types of things, but I couldn’t do, I wasn’t Mormon and I lived in Utah.

I believe that moment caused my first doubts in God. If there was a God, why would he shun me for not believing in him. What purpose does it hold for his believers not to let me participate in activities other kids were doing.

I realized in my late teens, early twenties that I had no belief in God. A lot of this came about because I’d been shunned by the faith which surrounded me through my life, but when I began to look for something other than a deity based religion I came upon Buddhism.

It’s been over ten years since I read my first book about Buddhism and I believe that leaving Christianity and finding my way  caused problems with my family, friends, girlfriends and eventually with my in-laws.

My in-laws still live in Utah, my father-in-law has nothing to do with the church, he still follows the Christian faith and in following his faith he doesn’t understand my wife’s beliefs and my own when it comes to a God figure, which Buddhism doesn’t have.

I grew up surrounded by a faith that shunned those who didn’t believe and I felt like an outsider my entire life because of it.

Today I still feel like an outsider, or like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t believe in a God. Those who’ve always believed in a God don’t understand why I feel this way, they probably never will, but I lived in Utah as non-Mormon and even though some people never said anything offensive to me about being non-Mormon in Utah, there were numerous people who did.

Growing up I felt like I was being punished for being who I was, for not being the same faith as everyone else around me. This is the main reason I’ll never move back to Utah.

I’ve been Buddhist for over ten years and I still feel shunned by Christians who don’t understand my beliefs.

Buddhism has led me out of some very dark places in my life. It led me out of committing suicide when I received an awful letter and it’s helped me guide my kid’s lives the way in which I never felt mine was.

My parents were always searching for their God and never thought to think about us.

My kids have no concept of God or the Devil. They don’t know who Jesus is and we like it this way because of the torment I went through and the way I was treated.

When our kids are old enough to make their own faith choices I’ll support them regardless of their choice, but my hope is what I’ve taught them about Buddhism will lead them away from a God and toward a path they make, not one that has been set in front of them.