Not afraid of who I am.

My mouth gets me in trouble, causes me strife. I'm discovering I have to be who I am and live my own life.
What does it matter if I can't look in the mirror and be happy with who I am, what the fuck, I can't stand being afraid of what I might say.
I live my life day to day, never listening to the mind that says don't write it. i concentrate on the heart that says pour it out.
I fought over and over with myself about where I came from and who I am. I won't let anyone tell me I can't do this or that. Fuck them, they don't know who I am.
I stand up for myself because I was afraid for so long and couldn't get the words out of mouth I wanted to say.
I feared the words would make people mad, that they'd look at me and hate me for who I am.
I don't need them now, they've shown they're true colors. I don't need the bullshit anymore.
I've moved on and I'm no longer afraid of who I am.

Syria and reasons not to attack.

I've been having a discussion about the recent events in Syria via Facebook. Some believe we should attack Syria while I believe it's not in our best interest to do so.

There have been many things said about the chemical attacks on the Syrian people. There have also been things said in the American press that make the case for a strike against Syria.

The reasons for the strikes are as follows.

• They've attacked their own people and the world shouldn't stand by and let it happen.
• They will attack their citizenry again, and that shouldn't be allowed to happen.
• We stood by during WW 2 when Jews were being executed in death camps.

Lets take each of these as they are.

1. There has been no proof these attacks were carried out by forces loyal to Assad. It's easy to change a uniform and put a different label on a munition.
2. That they will attack their citizenry is a moot point if the answer I've given for point one is true. If Assad didn't launch the strikes and the rebels did, we're merely starting another war, one which could involve Iran.
3. U.S. intelligence knew something was going on during WW 2 but didn't have anything verifiable until 1942. when the camps were liberated. I've been to the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. and seen the atrocities committed by the Nazis.

Let's put out another question.
What would Assad have to gain by killing his own people?

Nothing. He would gain many things, including condemnation by the world community, a possible assault by American forces and those who are allied with the U.S.

Assad gains nothing by killing his own people. He's already winning the civil war taking place in Syria. Attacking his own people would be a setback for his forces. One which would have global as well as regional consequences.

America has been in two wars in the last decade. Iraq, which was done under false pretenses--chemical weapons which didn't exist--and Afghanistan which American forces turned away their strength to focus on Iraq.

Iraq is over and Afghanistan is coming to a close. There is no reason other than conquest to attack Syria.

Follow the links.

Not a Radical

I discovered something the other day. I was referred to as a radical.
Let me explain why I'm not a radical, I just believe that things are fucked up and they need to change.

Supporting a whistle blower is not being a radical.

Supporting someone who said the government isn't representing your best interests abroad doesn't make me a radical, it makes me someone who believes our government doesn't have my best interests in mind when they're starting wars for false reasons.

Supporting someone who told the American people and the world that the government is breaking the fourth amendment on a daily basis doesn't make me a radical, it makes me a concerned citizen and someone who doesn't believe the bullshit the government shoves down my throat through mainstream media outlets.

I think my children should attend decent schools and be taught by teachers who know what they're talking about and not have religion shoved down their throats at a "Public" school paid with my tax money.

My daughter if she's raped shouldn't be told, "You can't do that here."  is she chooses to abort the fetus caused by the rape because a Senator or Congressman has issues with women based on a God and a book that I don't believe in.

I think my children should have healthcare paid by the government, not because I'm a liberal or because I want a welfare state, but because if you're really doing what your God says, you've read the wrong bible.

I believe anyone who bases their prejudices on a book that is thousands of years old needs to reevaluate their reading material, it's 2013!

Not letting someone marry another human they're in love with isn't based on a book, it's based on prejudices that you've carried because your grandparents talked down about gays the way their grandparents talked down about African-Americans. It's not doing what God wants, it's what you want because you're a bigot.

Wanting poor people and the mentally ill to be taken care of doesn't make me a radical it makes me compassionate.

Wanting my government to treat everyone equally, and not base that equality on how much money is in my bank account, the color of my skin, my sexual preference or disability.

Is it really radical to want the troops who've fought in wars which were fought on bullshit pretenses to be taken care of. Whether they have PTSD, been mangled by IED's or have another ailment that should be taken care of by the country they've served valiantly and without complaints. Does that really make me a radical?

If you still believe I'm a radical for all of the reason I've listed, fine, I'm a radical, but you're a sheep.

Lack of Empathy in Corporate America

When I look around at where I am, I think about where we are as a country. I can't help but think this because our mentality has changed. We've moved from the unity we had after 9/11 to a division that will sink us.

Corporations don't care for their employees. They're trying to take away their bargaining rights, eliminate their healthcare and make them work less hours. Their reasoning is, "It will save them money." Meanwhile these same corporations are making record profits. The executives are getting bonuses that are greater than the wealth of some countries and their reasoning is, "We deserve it because we run the business."

But, they don't really do they?

Here's why I think they don't.

• Limiting bargaining rights takes away a safety net for the employees, which in turn will make them less likely to enjoy their job and reducing productivity.
• Eliminating their healthcare will cause them financial problems, which will lead to higher overall healthcare costs.
• Making them work less hours will cause them financial burdens which will cause the economy as a whole to suffer, if people don't have money they can't buy things. 

Lets look at that last bit more:

The average wage in the U.S. is $42K (Social Security Administration).

Two kids average $12k a year. Mortgage/Rent of $1k. One car which is $446 a month on average for the U.S. times 12 month is $5520 for a year. You're left with a few hundred dollars. Which won't pay for healthcare, gas, utilities, other medical bills that may come up or if they have more than two kids, which some do.

This is only for a single parent, which most workers are.


The people under the company exectuives run the business, they just oversee it. Some of them haven't done the grunt work of working on an assembly line, dealing with angry customers, creating a work schedule or walked a work floor and stood on their feet during an eight hour shift.

They say they don't need to do these things, yet the companies whose executives are close to their employees...i.e. Google, Apple or Yahoo. These companies make great profits and their employees are more satisfied.

So, here's the question I leave you with. Why are companies so disconnected from their employees, and why does it seem they don't care?

My Bad TSA Experience.

The event.

This past weekend I attended a book signing for Neil Gaiman in Santa Rosa, CA. The event itself was awesome and I learned a lot from Neil. He's a very funny man and although I didn't get to tell him how much Sandman meant to me growing up, I did get my Absolute Sandman signed by Neil, which was the coolest thing for me.
What happened the day after the event is something different. I've only told my wife this and now, I'm sharing it on One-Zero-One.

I arrived early to the airport, I wasn't sure how many people would be on the flight and I wanted to make sure I got my rental dropped off and everything was situated with my flight.
I turned in my my keys and rental agreement and proceeded toward the security screening, which is rather small since Santa Rosa's airport is a municipal airport and only gets Turboprop and private aircraft.

When I started at security I knew it was going to be interesting when the agent doing the screening asked if I had a laptop in my bag--I'm a writer, I always have it--I told I did. "Could you take it out so it could go through the x-ray machine?" I told him, "sure."
I took it out, placed it one of the grey bus-tubs and sent it through with my shoes, hat, phone, roll
away carry-on, keys and the other things I had in my pockets.

I went through the detector, it went off, I had to take off my belt. They sent me through the second time, nothing went off. I went to grab my stuff, and I was selected "At Random" to have my shoes swiped and put into the analyzer for the chemicals that are in explosives, it tested positive.

Now the fun began, I was told, "Your shoes tested positive for chemicals that are known to be used in explosives." The types of things that use chemicals associated with explosives are toothpaste, hand lotion, shaving cream, powder from fireworks and a number of other chemicals.

Then they told me, "We're going to pat you down, would you prefer to have this done in a private area?" What am I supposed to say to this, "Yes, I would prefer you take me away from the public so you could screen me and violate my rights a little more." I wanted to say that, but since I wanted to get home to my wife and kids, I kept my mouth shut.

They went forward with their pat down, and I thought about make a smart ass remark about not going to dinner first with the guy who did the pat down, but I thought better of it.

I looked at the people going through security as I was going through my pat down, some of them had "The look of fear" in their eyes, which made me feel like shit.

I didn't think anything about the screening process at the airports, it was just another hassle at the airport, that changed in Santa Rosa this past weekend. I'd never felt humiliated in public before, this was the first time.

We see our privacy rights stripped from us, and now we know how heavy handed the government has been with the Snowden leaks.

I don't know why I was pulled out of line for the test, it didn't seem random to me. How random, do they "flip a coin", play "Eany, meany, miny, mo." What do they use as a measurement for their randomness.

I didn't like being treated that way, and I especially didn't like the looks I received from my fellow passengers while I was being held for my pat down.

I've never felt like my rights as a U.S. citizen had been violated before this instance. Now I believe every time we're pulled out of line, every time we don't say anything about what we now know the government is doing for the sake of "Security" is a violation of the U.S. Constitution.

Someone recently told me that if we stop one more 9/11 with these security checks and the things the NSA is doing they're fine with it. Really? You're okay with giving up the rights of 350,000,000+ people to save 3,000?

It sounds like a bad trade off to me, but what do I know? I'm just a white boy writer from Wyoming.

The only thing this had to do with Neil Gaiman is the signing. I wrote this, Neil is his own person and has his own opinions, I'm not sure of his stance on this, and thus this has nothing to do with him.

Edward Snowden, the Cold War Generation and the Post-Cold War Generation

When we see things like Edward Snowden, is it right to think that one generation thinks of as a bad thing another generation sees as a good thing?

One generation sees Snowden as a traitor, why?

Well, let's give some reasons.

Most of the generation that has this belief was raised during the cold war and were told, "Your government is here to protect you from the Russians and Communism."

The other generation has never had anything like that, sure there's terrorism, but that's something different than the big bad Russians.

Terrorism can't launch missiles at you when something doesn't go there way, at least not in The States, not yet. 

During the Cold War Americans were told their government was the good guy, that they were doing things to help them, not to harm them and they went along with it.

The Generation of the Cold War listens and obeys its government because, it's been told that so many times that it believes that whatever it does is for the good of the people, but what if that's not true anymore?

Two Generations

The CWG (Cold War Generation)

There are two generations in The States, The Cold War Generation and The Post-Cold War Generation, both of them love their country, but one of them loves it for different reasons than the other.

The CWG (Cold War Generation) loves it because it was told the Russians has missiles aimed at it and that any moment they would be obliterated in a flash of light, I've heard this statement from CWG's.

The PCWG (Post-Cold War Generation) has heard the stories from relatives about the Cuban Missile Crisis and living in fear of being annihilated at any moment, but they never lived through that, sure 9/11 made them think about it, but to compare 9/11 to the Cold War is off base.

9/11 was something that we couldn't plan for--unless you believe the conspiracy theorists--it was an event that changed the country, and it could have been for the good, but it wasn't, this where the PCWG comes in.

The PCWG

The Post-Cold War Generation knows about the Cold War through text books, movies and stories from their elders, and most likely they may share some of the beliefs of their elders.

Though they may share their beliefs, they are finding themselves troubled by recent revelations about the governments activities, namely the leaks from Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden.

The two things changed the beliefs of this group, they most likely have seen first hand what the government has done, either through the bailout of the banks, the handouts to Big Oil, Big Pharma and Agri-Business.

They've seen the country in dark nights--9/11--and wonderful mornings--DOMAStruck Down. They are more likely not to care about ethnicity, sexual orientation or religion.

They want their government to help them, not to control what they can and can't do.

For PCWG they've heard how great their government is, but all they've seen is wars, poor, loss of jobs, handouts to banks and a Legislative and Executive branch of government that care only for its own interests and not those of the people they represent. They've never seen this wonderful government their parents, grandparents or others have told them about.

They've never felt their government was helping, only hurting their citizens.

There are two Generations in America, which are you?

The Marching Bureaucracy

Marching as they're charging and letting the lives be changed.
Adjusted, falsified, rancid and resting.
Ignorance and indifference are the new thug life.
Who cares about the world, let the fucker burn.
The soiled and rotten run through the jungles of bureaucracy bringing their guns, money and false hopes of the poor with them.
What are the dreams, hopes and cares but another lie they say is within reach.
Ignore what you're told. Find your own truth. 

America and the Elephant

When I was growing up in the 80's I remember hearing that Russia was evil and that America was better than "Them".

Now it's 2013 and are we any better than them now?

There's the story of the elephant, who when he's young he's tied to a stake and as he grows older--and stronger--he doesn't break the stake because he learned as a young elephant that he couldn't break it and gave up trying.

America is the elephant tied to the stake.

We see things going on around the world, we've watched the fall of Libya and Egypt. The riots in Brazil and Turkey. The civil war in Syria.

But even when we're told that our government is doing things that go against the constitution and everything we're told our government is, we ignore them because we feel safe in our ignorance.

We don't want to rock the boat. We're afraid to do something about the PATRIOT Act, or stand up for poor people who are being screwed by the government on a daily basis.

Why are we afraid?

We're the Elephant tied to the stake.

We believe we'll never break the chain of what happens in our society because our government is too big, too strong and we'll never beat them.

We're too comfortable in our lives to let the anything disrupt it. We love our iPhones, our Xboxs, our junk that doesn't mean anything if we sacrifice who we are for the sake of owning things that don't do anything for us but collect dust after we're gone.

If we'd follow what other countries are doing we'd have a government that listened to us, but we're the Elephant tied to the stake.

Black & White Media

See the dream laughing in your face?

It's stuttering, sputtering and winking out like the old Black & White your parents had.

It turns on, shuts off and you're left in the dark, the shadows playing on the wall make you want to scream, run, but you stay, sitting in front of the TV, because you know it will come back on, once the tube warms back up, your grandfather told you that, but you don't believe him since he's old and you're young.

But this once, you sit, you listen and wait for the tube to flicker. The warm hum rises through the tv and you feel the room abuzz, though you're the only one in it.

What are you doing, sitting, waiting while others are fighting, dying, arguing, purging and trying to get the world to listen to them.

Get out, do something. 

Run towards the action, don't stand there waiting for the picture tube to tell you what's happening, find out yourself.

Learn about your surroundings, listen to those around you. 

Ignore the buzz of the ancient black & white media.

When the Delusion Persists...

Seeing it, feeling it there's no escaping it. We're far from being separated by the blow, the false flag, the new world order.
Ignore what happens around you. Trust your government with absolute ignorance.
Never trust your government.
Never Trust you government.
Ignore the truth, ignore the government.
Turn the tide, laugh at them as they hide. Come at them in the night!
Dodge the guns, hide from their lies.
What do they know but what they've been told.
Ignore your government.

Devil in Disguise

You're surrounded and feel the world rushing in, the feel of the wind in your hair, the pull of the dreams that scare. Your never ending epiphany of what is fair.

You lie, cheat and scare. The path of the righteous is one less than your willing to afford. You see the dreams schemes and the loss of the never ending dreams.

What are you willing to give up for the loss of life, the fallens strife, the gathering storm in your head, the cattle and the restless dead.

It stirs, it whines, your cacophony of never ending lies. The spies filling the skies, the pills in our heads, the cameras with eyes, you see...you're the devil in the end. The horseman with no horse.

But your end comes at the time, the line of the choice of the rhythm of the right, the left and the middle you're the devil in disguise.

The Truth is Out There.

For the last week we've learned that our government is lying to us and that whomever is truly running the government trusts no one, which is why we've been lied to about a great many things.

I thought writing these types of posts were behind me on the blogosphere, but alas it's not to be.

Truth be told I trust no government, this may make me sound crazy or out of my mind and, yes, I'm waiting for the guys in the white coats to put me in a "hug-me" jacket and throw me in a padded room.

I love this country and what it was founded on, but it's no longer that country. It hasn't been in a long time.

When I played The Matrix Online I went by the moniker, Cubist. This has to do with my initials, and my toons given name was Thomas Madison, taken from the two rival founding fathers.

When I thought about writing a post about what's been going on many things came to my mind, but the one that stood out is this.

YOUR COUNTRY IS WATCHING YOU, AND YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID!

But like other countries in the last few years, maybe its time.

I saw a comment the other day that said something like this, "We need someone to stand up to the government. One person that would lead."

Who would lead something like that?

Don't believe your government, they're lying to you!

I'm Not

I was asked recently if I'm anti-religion. I can understand why I come across that way. I'm not anti-religion, I'm anti-bigotry, anti-using the bible for their own purposes and ignoring all the other things the bible says, anti-using their beliefs as a crutch to get their way and most of all I'm anti-lack of intelligence.

The person who asked me this is someone I respect immensely. I understand his point of view, but growing up in a Christian dominated society and not knowing what my religion was or if I had one was something I fought with for a long time.

In my life I've been verbally abused and beaten up because I didn't know which faith was mine. It wasn't until my late twenties I found my place in Buddhism.

Those who don't understand my beliefs mock it, much the way every belief has been mocked throughout history. Those who understand me and what I've been through in my life know what Buddhism means to me and how much its changed my life.

Before I discovered Buddhism, or even Buddhism discovered me, I was very angry for a lot of reasons. I was verbally abused by my dad for most of my life, which in today's world would be called bullying, but we don't call our parents bullies, do we?

When I finally discovered who I was and what my beliefs were I began to understand my dad and his anger and my anger and where it came from and how to deal with it without throwing my life away.

But before I get too much into what happened to me I have to say this, I love my dad and I meditate on the suffering he goes through a few times a week. I may not talk to him on the phone, but I try to help him through the suffering in his life in my own way. He may not understand these words, but I know there are those who do.

I will probably never see my dad, not because of anything he's said or done, but because I lived that life as a child, I'm not doing it again. I've moved on in my life and I've discovered a peace I never knew existed.

I'm Buddhist because my life needed peace and a path to walk not because I hate other religions but because I love other religions, I'm just not crazy about what they stand for. Have you ever met a Buddhist who was angry at the world or have you met Buddhists who wanted to make it better? I'm guessing the latter.

Have a blessed day!

Reasons for What Not?

This blog has always been a journal more than an actual blog. IF you want to read my "blog" go here.
What not? started because I needed a place to put my thoughts about politics, life, religion/beliefs and other meanderings.
What Not?: Urban Dictionary Definition - a way to encompass many items, thoughts, absolutes that are defined but are too numerous to be listed or the communicator is unsure what they actually are.
I didn't know the definition before i started the blog. But it seems to fit what I'm doing with it.
There are times when I'm writing the "blog" and things come to my mind and I understand that I can't post them there, so I write a small not of the idea of the article and write it here. IT keeps things separate from the other and doesn't make my readers on the "blog" go crazy, "WTF" and other types of queries.
I love both equally, though What Not? helps me get things out that I'd either rather not post on The Bleeding Inkwell and look better on this page.

Dark Room Test

We all seek to impress those around us, whether it's clothes, thoughts or attitude. But, it's with these things we can lose ourselves in those impressions. We'll find ourselves lost in the lie, lost in discovering who we are and not ever really finding out.

Living in Las Vegas I see it everyday. People buy a certain purse or a type of shoe, or this book or phone or that car. But in the end all we are is the things we've bought. We've never found true love because we've been hiding behind a facade of who we are.

Know ourselves and finding our true nature, our true selves is what we should be doing, not trying to impress those around us with the falsities of a trend or the life of buying things we'll never truly need or use.

Knowing all along that we're never as true to ourselves as we are in a dark room, surrounded by nothing but air.

Sit in a dark room, by yourself and you'll understand what I'm talking about. No sound, no sights, nothing but emptiness. After you've done this you'll discover yourself and you'll like yourself a lot better for having done it.

The dark room test is the closest you'll ever be to finding who you are. There's nothing around you to truly think of, no light to distract and no one to talk to but yourself. Have the conversation you've always wanted to have.

Things Haven't Changed That Much...

This week we've seen the darkest of human nature. The creature that lies inside each of us has come to roost in those who conceived and carried out the acts in Boston.  The people who did these acts have not come forward and may never do so, but the people of Boston will remember the day it happened and they've come together as Americans often do in tragedy.

What has journalism become but a shoddy mix of jumping the gun and posting things that are fabrications and lies of the sort that in other countries would be punishable by death, but we don't do that in the States, because it's not who we are. We point, laugh and other journalists point and ridicule them.

Someone said that the world is more violent than it was when they were younger, I disagree. I believe it's just as violent, we just don't have the filters we used to have.

We see the things on the TV, our smartphones and internet and it comes instantly. The explosion of the plant in Texas is a perfect example. The man who took the video that is making its rounds around the internet was posted shortly after the explosion, but things are more violent now?

I remember watching the Berlin wall come down, the aftermath of Oklahoma City, Reagan giving his speech in front of Brandenburg Gate and the time Gorbachev was held hostage by his own party.

These moments are no different than the ones we see now, they're just diluted by the passage of time.

We get information faster than we have in the past. The destruction is the same, but we're getting it a faster rate than we would have twenty years ago.

Without the advance of technology we'd still be waiting to hear about these things. I'm glad I've seen the things that have happened in Boston, not because it's a tragedy, but because it reminds me of the will of evil men to do unspeakable acts in the name of what they think is right.

Americans have dealt with evil men before and evil acts, but just as we have before our spirit and our will to push on and push through to another day and to stand in front of the sun on another day, another year makes us who we are and what we believe we stand for.

Don't Label Me!

For ten years I've been a practicing Buddhist, I haven't always followed it to the letter, but I've called myself Buddhist for most of those ten years.

Last night my wife and I were having a discussion about Buddhism. She was raised in an LDS household, that's Mormon for those that don't understand what LDS is. It stands for Latter-Day-Saints. Growing up in Utah you're always asked if you're Mormon, because they have to put you in certain category. I was raised non-Mormon in Utah, which was tough.

The discussion we had last night delved into whether she wanted to take the label of Buddhist. Growing up in Utah, like I said, you're given a label, as you are in most of society. Labels are societies way of defining who you are.

I asked my wife, after she told me she didn't want to label herself with anything, what she would say if someone asked her what she believed? Her response was, "I don't believe in a God, but I like a lot of the teachings of Mindfulness."

This doesn't categorize her as Buddhist, Christian or Atheist, anymore in categorizes her as American. A large majority of Americans don't believe in a deity, they take things from different religions that fit who they believe they are,

I know my wife's fear of taking a label stems from her growing up in Utah and being classified as Mormon whether she believed in the teachings of Joseph Smith or not, but right now she believes she is someone who, like me, doesn't believe in a God and likes certain things about Buddhism and Mindfulness, but doesn't want to be labeled with anything.

This labeling of who we are is solely an instinct in society so everyone knows who we are. The problem with defining someone by a label is that person's view or beliefs will most likely change, like my wife's has.

Throughout our lives we're given labels of who we are by society, these labels, whether they are fair or not, shove us into a box. They put us where society wants us, not where we want to be.

My wife doesn't want a label of who she is, and she shouldn't have to claim one, regardless of what society says.

After our discussion last night I told my wife that, as Buddhism teaches, everything is impermanent anyways. This life only leads to another existence. That who she is in this life doesn't define who she'll be in the next rebirth, and that seemed to help her with figuring things out.

We shouldn't label people as one thing or another, they're people no matter what their beliefs are.

Have you had trouble in your life with being labeled? Answer in the comments.

Today I'm Changing

Change comes to us at difficult times. It can be a divorce, a child's birth or it can be an awakening.

I'm 37 years old. I've never been overseas, I've never done all the things I wanted to do when I was 17. I wanted to see the world but I let getting discharged from Marine Boot Camp change that.

If there is one thing in my life that has inhibited my understanding of who I am it's that discharge. I knew who I was at 18 and I knew what I wanted, I have felt that way in a long time and it's been twenty years.

Recently I've been thinking about that 17 year old, brought on by a post I wrote for The Today Voice that will go live onTuesday April 2nd.

I hadn't thought of that 17 year old in a long time and what he wanted out of life because I felt like I've been a disappointment to myself and to my dad, who hasn't really been in my life for the last thirteen years.

In three years I'll be 40. In one years I would have been available to retire from the Marines with twenty years in. But as change happens and sometimes it's not very pleasant, I see through different eyes now.

My life now isn't what I thought it would have been then, but who's is?

Today I make a change for me. To take control of who I am, what I am and where I'm headed in my life. I never thought I would write words like this, but something we have to write what scares us in order to move forward and make changes instead of letting them happen.

Today I'm changing!

Why I Lost Faith

I remember going to a friend’s house as a child, his mother was nice as was the rest of his family, but there was one time that stands out for me.

His mother asked if I was Mormon, I didn’t know what she meant. I was a kid and I didn’t understand the question. My friend said I was before I could say anything. I don't fault him or his mom, they're wonderful people and I still care about him even though I haven't seen him in person in twenty years.

It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I realized what happened in that moment. I had friends who did Scouts, who were into those types of things, but I couldn’t do, I wasn’t Mormon and I lived in Utah.

I believe that moment caused my first doubts in God. If there was a God, why would he shun me for not believing in him. What purpose does it hold for his believers not to let me participate in activities other kids were doing.

I realized in my late teens, early twenties that I had no belief in God. A lot of this came about because I’d been shunned by the faith which surrounded me through my life, but when I began to look for something other than a deity based religion I came upon Buddhism.

It’s been over ten years since I read my first book about Buddhism and I believe that leaving Christianity and finding my way  caused problems with my family, friends, girlfriends and eventually with my in-laws.

My in-laws still live in Utah, my father-in-law has nothing to do with the church, he still follows the Christian faith and in following his faith he doesn’t understand my wife’s beliefs and my own when it comes to a God figure, which Buddhism doesn’t have.

I grew up surrounded by a faith that shunned those who didn’t believe and I felt like an outsider my entire life because of it.

Today I still feel like an outsider, or like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t believe in a God. Those who’ve always believed in a God don’t understand why I feel this way, they probably never will, but I lived in Utah as non-Mormon and even though some people never said anything offensive to me about being non-Mormon in Utah, there were numerous people who did.

Growing up I felt like I was being punished for being who I was, for not being the same faith as everyone else around me. This is the main reason I’ll never move back to Utah.

I’ve been Buddhist for over ten years and I still feel shunned by Christians who don’t understand my beliefs.

Buddhism has led me out of some very dark places in my life. It led me out of committing suicide when I received an awful letter and it’s helped me guide my kid’s lives the way in which I never felt mine was.

My parents were always searching for their God and never thought to think about us.

My kids have no concept of God or the Devil. They don’t know who Jesus is and we like it this way because of the torment I went through and the way I was treated.

When our kids are old enough to make their own faith choices I’ll support them regardless of their choice, but my hope is what I’ve taught them about Buddhism will lead them away from a God and toward a path they make, not one that has been set in front of them.

In your mind it's ourageous, contagious, the battling in your brain will be the end.
Another pain, drain, who the fuck cares about your hair loss? Their's kids and adults dying for food and you're asking for money for hair plugs?
Find yourself, don't trust the inability of those around you to care less about yourself. Freedom? It's an illusion.
It's the new age revolution.
Stuck online, in cyberspace. Your traveling, doing the things those before you only dreamed of and your, what...watching porn.
Get your stick back in your pants, give up on your last dance. Don't fret you're never going to regret the time you put in.
You're chaos and chaos never runs out.

Your life is yours anyway

Trampling on the history, the microscopic fantasy that the world isn't what we thought it would be.
Killing the dream of what we thought we'd be, the tragic, infatuated...lost people of history.
Religion isn't "it", realize your pain or get out of the way. Never sounding your horn or the raging chorus of idiotic, chaotic raffle of what the  life you've chosen to..live.
Sitting inside the walls of what your fantasy and reality...are.
It's disturbing your sleep, creating the painful creep in your mind, your listing, your pain, the tragic and carefulness you thought you had is...gone.
You see the pain and raging torrents of your frustrations and fear, telling you that, like "Pink Floyd" says...is there anybody in there.
What are you to say about who you are, you're lying, dying and laughing at everyone else trying to make their way in the world of what you thought you'd wanted to be.
You're just laughing at the world.
Grab yourself, stand up. Get together and make-up. You shouldn't wait to feel the rhythm of your pain.
Don't let the drugs take it away. Let your mind heal your soul, let your thoughts break you out.
It's always in yourself, it's never in the wealth. Don't forget who you are, don't let them train you like a puppet on a stage, let the chaos reign on your parade.
It never ends...this life. Don't let them, don't fret with what they say. Your life is yours anyway.